Self Love: Love is always loving you
- leannegrothe
- Sep 17, 2021
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 18, 2021
The starting place of all healing is embracing even the most painful and shameful parts of our inner experience. Compassion for ourselves naturally leads to caring about others and eventually unfolds into an unconditional and inclusive love for life we never imagined possible – Tara Brach
Self-love is more than just pampering yourself. It’s full acceptance of yourself, when you treat yourself with kindness and respect, and nurture your growth and wellbeing. It means loving all parts of yourself, wholly and fully. Self-love is the foundation from which we build a happy life. So why is it so hard to love ourselves?
As I reflect back, I really didn’t know what it meant to love myself until about 5 years ago. Before that time, I was unkind to myself in so many ways… I treated my body poorly and my mind was always filled with thoughts like ‘You’re not good enough’, ‘You are not worthy of receiving love’, ‘I am unlovable’. I wouldn’t even let people say nice things about me or offer me compliments – because who was I to receive such kind words? I would seek out the feeling of receiving love but then punish myself for it or sabotage it in some way.
I know this isn’t unique to just me. I see this play out so often in my clients as well – this idea that we are not worthy of receiving our own love. It can leave us feeling so disconnected from ourselves physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Then we might start trying to seek out the need to fulfil that love externally from others or through something else – and when we don’t receive the feeling we desire, we drop into self-loathing or we lash out. Because there’s a deep craving or yearning within us to be loved as a way to make us feel whole again.
A lack of self-love stems from something we have experienced, usually from our childhood. Somewhere in our life, we experienced and allowed the words or actions of someone to mean something. An experience always comes with an emotional charge – or a feeling. And our bodies remember the experience and the response it caused. We essentially plant a seed – which then begins to grow roots that shapes our belief system.
As we get older, it becomes woven into the fabric of who we become which is why doing the self-love ‘work’ can feel so hard. We keep trying everything, but it still isn’t enough. No experience, no person, nothing is enough. We can’t quite seem to grasp onto the joy and happiness within us. It’s like we crave nourishment from something but are always left feeling empty.
There comes a point when you know there is something more for you, and as you read this article, that might be you right now. There’s a deep yearning within you that wants to experience that feeling of love again. That feeling of love that only comes from within you, not external to you.
Here’s what I have learned about self-love
I have learnt that it’s not a destination, it’s a practice. Self-love begins by taking the journey inward and by spending more time listening to yourself. This process can be so daunting. By letting yourself feel uncomfortable with all your feelings and all your thoughts, it offers you an opportunity to really understand what parts of you need to heal. It's important to honour whatever comes up as you listen closely to what you might need; feel your pain and acknowledge your feelings. Awareness in and of itself, is enough to make a shift.
Allow yourself to discover and honour that there is nothing to fix and that nothing is broken. Recognise that you are enough and perfect just as you are. Then start to make choices that align with your self-worth, ensuring that you feel nourished, centered and whole – that you are never sacrificing your happiness for something or someone else.
Self-love is…
choosing yourself, even if it means upsetting others.
expressing what you truly feel, think, or want to do
loving your body – comfort, nurture, rest and exercise
eating nourishing meals with fresh fruit and veggies, drinking plenty of filtered water and reducing your consumption of things like caffeine, alcohol and processed foods can really shift your mindset towards loving yourself more
accepting your whole self —all of it— and appreciate yourself as a whole person
making time to do what you love and spend quality time with yourself
being mindful of how you spend your emotional, mental and physical energy, and whether these activities bring you joy and happiness
owning your inner and outer beauty without feeling guilty, arrogant or entitled
taking responsibility for all of your experiences
listening to and act on your intuition
not punishing yourself when you make a mistake – you learn from these
avoiding giving yourself labels
setting clear boundaries with yourself and others
staying in your integrity, both when it comes to yourself and when interacting with others
allowing yourself to dream big, without your own judgments, limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving
being kind to yourself – notice your thoughts and what you say to yourself; your thoughts are the most powerful seeds in your garden and you get to choose what seeds you plant
All of these support the practice of loving yourself more. You will be able to give more freely to others, when your cup is full first.
Self-healing practice
When you find yourself stuck in self-judgement, pause for a few moments.
Close down your eyes, and connect to your heart centre by placing your hands on the centre of your chest – this is the space of unconditional love.
Become aware of the negative self talk or thoughts that begin to arise in your mind.
Acknowledge your thoughts without judgement.
Notice how you are feeling and connect to the emotion. Allow yourself to feel the emotions as they arise.
Notice where you feel it in your body then send your loving awareness to this part of you. Ask it what it needs, ask it what you need to hear and feel right now.
Then offer yourself kind words, thoughts, gestures. Feel and experience it all.
Whisper softly to yourself, ‘Please be kind’, ‘I am loved’, ‘I am worthy’, ‘I am enough’
Sense and feel all the heaviness and self-judgement dissolve.
Notice what happens when your shift your intention to loving yourself into healing.
Loving-Kindness Meditation
During loving-kindness meditation, you focus benevolent and loving energy toward yourself and others. In this practice, you allow yourself to give and receive love which boosts self-love and well-being. Those who regularly practice loving kindness meditation are able to increase their capacity for forgiveness, connection to others, self-acceptance, and more.
Access on my Spotify Podcast.
How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you – Rupi Kaur
With love & light
Leanne
xxx
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